Once upon a time in a land called Philadelphia lived a benevolent princess named Grace. She was kind to all humans and animals and had a grand vision of building a brighter, more empathetic future through art.
One year, just before Christmas, Grace and her friends began noticing a trend of internet based harassment from troll ass dudes. “This will not do!” She said, and put on the magical Santa suit that bestowed magical powers to the wearer. And then she took to the streets to shake down some sources.
First, she asked Jerkface McPoopypants, a low level programmer who ran the local MRA subreddit. He didn’t want to talk but she used her most powerful weapons to change his mind.
Eventually he stopped crying and spilled the beans. He wept openly, despite her disgust and said that he’d do anything she asked if she just wouldn’t beat him up anymore. She said that if he changed his ways, she wouldn’t have any reason to pay him another visit.
He agreed and confessed that he didn’t know anything about higher level crimes but his brother, Josh, could use science to help. She took his digits and went to the address McPoopypants had given her. She was surprised to find that Josh was none other than Josh Hutcherson. Josh invited Grace in, cooked a meal for her and confessed to be working on a device that could zero in on the misogynist thoughts and intentions of evildoers. It traced internet connections with racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, abilist or otherwise bigoted activity.
“Whoa.” Grace said, gobsmacked. “You’ve put a lot of thought into this.”
Josh shrugged. “Well, yeah. Obviously. Feminism is nothing without intersectionality.”
He smiled at her. She smiled back. “Should we get to it?”
They turned the machine on. After a brief warm-up period, the device roared to action.
“Wait, what is this?” Grace asked.
“Oh, it also makes pretzels. I just really love pretzels.” Josh said.
Half an hour later, they had an address. “Do you wanna drive or should I?” Josh asked, throwing on a coat.
"You drive." Grace said, and sat in the back.
"Um. You can ride up here if you want?"
"I know. I just don't want to. Drive!" She snapped her fingers, and Josh swooned.
When they got to the address, Josh started to knock.
"Um, no. Let's not." Grace said, and opened the door. "We have the element of surprise on our side. Let's use it."
Josh nodded. "Oh, that's a way better idea. You're so smart!"
"And you're pretty." Grace patted him, gently. Josh beamed.
They stalked silently through the rooms of the sterile looking mansion until they got to a room that was humming with computer activity.
In front of a wall of computers sat a lone figure in an office chair. He turned slowly to reveal none other than Miles Teller.
"I should have known!" Grace exclaimed.
"That you were behind all of this internet bullying."
"Oh, please. You pansies need to toughen up. I'm just trying to have a good time."
"And THAT'S how you have fun? Not cool, bro. Not cool." Josh said, and knocked a computer off the desk.
"Go ahead. I've got hundreds of computers. And better still, I've got a plan to keep all women off the internet forever."
"Not on my watch." Grace roared, and Miles saw the angry fire in her eyes. He stood up, looked her in the eye, and then ran like a coward down one of the hallways. Grace and Josh were hot on his heels before Grace whipped around.
"I'll get Teller. You shut down his systems."
Josh nodded. "Anything you want."
Miles made it to a room and locked Grace out, but she grabbed a golf club and started banging her way through the wall. "You can't hide."
As she burst through the wall, he stood up, his head connecting with the golf club's arc. He fell, dead weight to the floor in front of her.
"Oh, shit." She said. "That wasn't really how I saw all this going down."
Grace bent down to check his pulse, felt that it was slow but steady, and stood back up. Josh came through the hole in the wall. He looked at Miles's prone body on the floor and then at Grace.
"Oh crap. Is he dead?"
"No, just knocked out. Did you take care of his computers?"
Josh grinned modestly. "I uh ... I changed his settings to automatically comment with pictures of baby animals where he would have otherwise spewed hate and negativity."
Grace hugged him. "That's brilliant!"
Josh blushed. "I'm pretty AND smart!"
Grace laughed. "What should we do about this douche?"
"I have an idea." Josh said. "I know someone who can help."
"Great. I've got a podcast to do." Grace replied. "I'll check in later."
A couple of hours later, Grace came back with pizza. She made her way through MIles's house and found Josh standing outside of a door.
"What's up?" She asked.
"We'll know in just a minute." They ate pizza in silence for a few minutes and when the door opened, Beyonce exited in a cloud of smoke.
"WHOA." Grace said. "Bey? What are you doing here?"
"I just installed an electronic device that will zap Teller if he even THINKS about harassing anyone ever again?"
"Are you a surgeon?"
"Yeah, it's just a hobby I do sometimes when I'm not on tour."
"That's so fucking cool."
"Yeah, I know." Beyonce and Grace high-fived, and Bey grabbed a slice of pizza. "What do you wanna do now?"
"Let's go for Franzen and Carter next."
"Cool." Beyonce said. She nodded at Josh. "You hang out here for a couple of days and do the emotional unpaid labor of taking care of this fool."
Josh nodded. "Of COURSE. It's the least I can do."
He blushed. "Grace ... will you call me sometime?"
Grace shrugged. "We'll see."
He walked them to the car. And as they drove out of sight, Beyonce sang out the window:
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
And they all lived happily ever after.